I Lift My Eyes Up

I want to take the opportunity to explain why I have chosen, The Handmaid of the Lord, for the title of my blog, and why Psalm 123:2 is one of my life's verses.
When the Lord first directed me to Psalm 123, I was in the midst of a very difficult year. By this time, my husband and I had been at our little church for 4 years, working hard to build a fellowship of believers that were well fed and well loved. But you see, that is the problem, I was working hard. Now don't get me wrong, I truly sought to serve the Lord. If asked, I would have told you that I was seeking the Holy Spirit's guidance and strength at every turn. And yet, at the time that the Lord led me to Psalm 123, our church had dwindled down to a handful of people. We still had a core group of people that continued on, but I could "felt" that something was seriously wrong. I remember feeling so responsible for the growth of our church, and so I "worked" harder, and what I found was that I was alone in that "work," God was not in it! I would describe the feelings I had at this time as having the "joy of my salvation" turned into the "drudgery of the flesh"
But, I look back on this time with great fondness and joy, for it was a time of great discovery for me. A time when the Lord caused me to lay down forever the idea that I could do anything apart from Him!
At this time in my Christian walk, if you would have asked me to explain to you the difference between walking in the Spirit, or walking in the flesh, I could have given you the correct answer. But all of us know that there is a great difference between having a "head-knowledge" and having a "heart-knowledge" about something. And that is just what the Lord began to do, give me a "heart-knowledge" about His grace and mercy, and how different that is from walking/living in the flesh. A head-knowledge is just information about something, but a heart-knowledge will cause a change in the person's actions!
As I began to study and seek the Lord's face about Psalm 123, I discovered a simple, yet very profound truth, God means what He says! And all I need do, is follow where He leads......how simple is that? And yet, it was a very difficult thing for me to do.
Please bear with me as I go back into my childhood to explain why it was so difficult for me.
My parents began to go to church when I was about 4 years of age. I believe that they truly accepted the Lord at this time, and began to raise us; my brother, and sisters and I, in the church. But, what I don't remember, because it wasn't there, was a change in how my parents lived their personal lives at home. I believe with my whole heart that they did their very best, but the churches my parents were involved with did not put an emphasis on teaching the entire word of God. The emphasis of these churches was on works, and not on the grace and mercy of God! And so, not much change occurred in their personal lives. The emotional baggage that my parents brought into their marriage, spilled over into their parenting. My father was a man who pretty much let things go until he had had enough, and then his discipline was very severe. On the other hand, my mother was never consistent in her discipline, each day you were never sure what would "set her off" and make her mad. When my father was mad, he became physical in his discipline, a hard spanking or a smack across the mouth, my mother on the other hand used her tongue as a disciplinary tool. I can remember cringing in fear as my mother screamed at me, telling me what a horrible child I was, how if I would behave better our family life would be better. I remember being made to feel like I was responsible for her happiness, or lack there of. I was blamed for so many things that were beyond my control, and that affected me in ways that I never understood, until much later. Nothing seemed to please her, and the harder I tried the more it became quite clear to me that nothing was going to make her happy, and so......I tried harder.
I was 12 at the time my parents began to backslide, and leave going to church behind, and go back to their old ways. My father began to drink again, and his anger at life began to be taken out on my mother. Physical abuse towards my mom became the way of life around our house, and my mother just went further into herself, giving into her emotions, as a way to compensate. My father left our home when I was 14. To say that divorce doesn't change a child is to tell a big fat lie! It changed me.......it changed all of us.
Here is the point, because of being raised in a home where I was taught that, "good little girls get blessed and everyone is happy with her," I started out my Christian walk with this same attitude toward God. I believed that if I was "good" God will love me and bless me, He will be happy with me, but if I am "bad" He will be angry at me, and cause horrible things to happen to me as a way to discipline me and bring about a change.
So, you can see how the changes in the fellowship caused me to think that God was very displeased with me in some way, and that He was using the lack of growth of our church as a way to show me this.
This attitude of mine did not affect only me, it affected my marriage. If Mitch and I were having problems at home, I began to feel like he was wanting me to change, to be different, and just like my mother, I thought that he was telling me all of our problems were my fault! I would fight him about this, or withdraw into myself, "checking" out of life.
I was very hard on myself, and therefore hard on others. I became very critical and judgmental of others' faults and sins. I began to expect certain behaviors from others, I began to expect them to "help me," and to be there for me as I did the work of the ministry. I felt like I was the only one doing anything, and the pressure was great to bear. I looked to "men" to save me and not to the Lord (Psalm 2o).
One day, after a huge fight with Mitch, I went to my room to pray. I remember pouring my heart out to the Lord, the words flowing out of my mouth like the tears from my eyes. It was here, as I surrendered, that God led me to Psalm 123.
As I wrote in the previous posting, we as modern-day people do not have a good grasp on the whole slavery issue, I know I don't. Yes, slavery is a part of our nation's history, but it is not something that is a part of our nation's culture today, our every day life. We as a country, as a people, have been taught to "take charge" of our own lives. We have heard from our youth that we are not to let anyone "walk all over us." We have also heard all of our lives; from parents, school teachers, society, and yes even the church, that we can "be somebody," we only have to "imagine it and work hard" and it will be so.
Is it any wonder that I was having trouble being a follower of Jesus??
After the Lord led me to Psalm 123, I began to do some research on the topic of slavery in the Bible, and may I say that what follows is not a full discourse on the subject, I am only sharing what "spoke" to me.
In Bible times a person became a slave for various reasons, but three of them stood out to me: One being that a person could become a slave through no choice on their part. When a nation would conquer another nation through war, the people of the "loosing" side that were left alive, became slaves of the "winning" side's soldiers, or rulers. Unless a kingdom was wealthy, the only pay that a soldier received was what he pilfered from the conquered people, what we would call the "spoils of war." And yes, during this point in history, people were considered "spoils of war."
The second reason that a person could become a slave was to repay debts. If you owed a person money, and you could not repay it, you could choose to sell yourself to the one you owed the money to, and "work off" your debt to them. When your debt was payed, your were then allowed to go free. Our modern day title for this is an "indentured servant."
The third reason a person became a slave was if they willingly chose to be one. In those times, if you were an "indentured servant," and had paid your debt and were eligible to be set free; and yet, you loved your master, and you wanted to continue to serve him, you could willing choose to continue on as his servant. You would become a bond-slave to him. If you, and the master were in agreement, the master would take an awl and pierce your ear, and then you would wear an earring as a constant reminder that you willingly gave your life to the master. This earring also let others know that you didn't belong to yourself, that you were the "willing property" of your master.
What I found during my study was that a slave, no matter how you became one, was still at the mercy of his master, the master could do with you what he wanted, because you were his possession!
With the guidance of the Holy Spirit I began to see how I was truly God's "slave." You see, I had a debt that I could not pay, and Jesus paid it for me, and when I was saved, I was willingly choosing to be His possession, I belonged to Him. What I needed to settle once and for all, was that I would never be able to repay my debt, and so I would belonged to Him FOREVER, for there could be no "freedom" so to speak. But I found that I was still living/acting like I was "free." I was responding to life like I no longer had a Master over me, nor even that I needed a Master. Now, don't get me wrong, I believed at the time that I was doing what God wanted me to do; I was trying to be obedient to His will for my life. But, I was doing all of this in my own strength, with my own choice of" provisions," and "tools."
As I said earlier, I had no joy! And having no joy is to say that I did not have the fruit of God's Spirit (Galatians 5) operating in my life.
Paul, in Galatians 5, wrote that the "works of the flesh are evident," and so is the "fruit of the Spirit." That is to say that these fruits will be seen by all, but so will the works of the flesh! I began to notice the choice of words here: Works/Fruit. You see a work is something that I have to do, it is something that I have to put effort into doing, providing my own "tools," and "provisions" for the "job." But, a fruit is a natural occurrence! I don't think any of us have gone into an orchard and have ever heard the fruit trees groaning as they produce their fruit. The fruit comes about naturally, because it is a fruit tree! So it is the same with a Christian, the fruit of God's Spirit produces life in us, and this life is lived only in the Spirit, and with the Spirit's guidance and strength. I found that I had been "groaning" to bring about change in my life, my marriage, and in my fellowship. As I keep attached to the Lord (John 15), the promise is that I will produce, "much fruit." It will happen, naturally.
In another passage of the Bible it states that the "works of the flesh bring death, but the fruit of the Spirit is life." This is what the Lord was showing me through Psalm 123 -I had been "working" to please Him, "working" to please my husband, "working" to please my parents, "working" to please my friends, and "working" to please those who attended the fellowship. And I hadn't asked my Master, if this was the "work" that He had planned for me to do!!! So what was being produced, what was evident? Death- death of my marriage, death of my dreams, death of the ministry, death of joy and peace......death everywhere.
As I began to take to heart, and to literally, every day from that day forward, LIVE like I was a slave, fruit began to be seen. I took to heart the concept that a slave did not do anything on their own, for they did not belong to themselves. I lived each day reminding myself that a slave didn't own anything; everything that they had was given to them, and belonged to their master! I had to remember that a slave had to look to their master for provisions, and for the tools necessary to do the assigned task. I had to never forget that even if a slave was beloved of a master, it still would be unheard of for that slave to dictate how they lived each day. I began to live, with the Holy Spirit's help, as a slave, looking to my Master for the day's provisions, and orders for work. I saw that no matter what I had planned for my day, God had the right to change it. I saw that no matter my wants and dreams for the future, for my marriage, and for my family, God had the right to do what He wanted. I saw that God was to be my provider, He was to give me what was necessary to do the "work of the ministry.' I saw that it was up to God how "ministry" should go, after all I was His slave!
I also saw that I have a merciful and gracious Master. His love for me knows no bounds, and His care of me is precious. I am a happy slave, a slave content in what the Master has provided, and I am so blessed. I have experienced what it means to "give my life so that I may find it."
And so, daily, and at times, moment-by-moment, I look to the Lord for my instructions.
I remember a time, not long after I began to apply these truths to my life, that a friend approached me, and asked me what had changed in my life! She said, "I can't tell what is so different about you, your hair style is the same, your make-up hasn't changed, but there is something different about you, your face looks so peaceful!" Isn't that so awesome??!! What she was seeing was the "earring," the "fruit," the change from being just a slave to being a willing bond-servant of a merciful and loving Master.
As I live my life as a bond-slave of Jesus, I am constantly reminded by the Spirit of God, that I do not belong to myself, or to anyone else for that matter. The reminder from the Lord comes each morning, as I spend time in prayer and in reading and studying the Bible. It is in these quiet times that I receive that day's "marching orders." It is here that I find the "provisions," and the "tools," and the strength that I need to serve my Master with a joyful heart. It is here, at the feet of Jesus, that my eyes look to the Lord my God, until He has mercy on me.