I love being a pastor's wife! It is an honor to serve the Lord in this way. I wish that I could say that I have always felt like this, but it would not be true. Even though I know without a shadow of doubt that God has called me to serve Him in this way, it has not always been easy. There have been many times that I have asked God if I could do something else.....if I could just quit!
In the beginning of my walk with God, our marriage was already on shaky ground. A few months before I gave my life to Jesus, we had been separated for a time, and had only been back together for a bit. We had been trying to work on things, but I know now that it wasn't possible for us to fix our marriage, without the Lord's help.
I remember that the first year of our walk with God was pretty good, we didn't fight as much, and I think that we both were trying to live godly, even though we didn't know all of what that meant. But, the Lord is faithful, He knew what needed to be done, so that we could serve Him in our marriage too. And so, He began the "purifying process," the process of making two "lumps of rock," become two vessels of "pure gold."
The Bible teaches us in:
Malachi 3:3 He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi, And purge them as gold and silver, That they may offer to the Lord An offering in righteousness.
If you are a refiner of precious metals, or if you know someone who is, then you have an understanding of how the refining process works, but when I was a new Christian, and I heard about this whole refining thing, I had no idea what it meant.
A refiner of gold takes a chunk of ore, and places it into a vessel called a crucible. The refiner then takes the crucible with the ore in it, and places it onto heat, a fire of some sort. The ore is slowly melted, until the dross (the unusable parts of the ore) comes to the surface, and then the refiner takes an instrument, a spoon of sorts, and removes the dross. The refiner has to keep his eye on the temperature of the ore, and on the crucible that holds the ore. He continues this process, of heating the ore and removing the dross, until he can see his face reflected back on the surface of the gold.
For my husband and me, our marriage was the crucible, and we were the lumps of ore. God sat as a Refiner and placed us over the heat of trials, and carefully removed the dross, the dross of our old way of living, and of the baggage that we carried into our marriage relationship, and of the sin that so easily trips us up. When He can see Himself reflected in our marriage, the process will be complete. I know that this refining process will take my whole life long to complete. But the Lord did teach us, He taught Me valuable lessons during this time, and I will never forget them, and the Lord will not let me forget them either. One of the ways that I get to serve the Lord is through counseling. I love nothing better than to sit across from another woman, and share the word of God with her. It is through these times that I am reminded of what the Lord has taught me, and it is through these times that I learn even more.
Please know that I do not think that I have "arrived at perfection," or that my marriage is perfect. My man and I still have arguments, we still have times of sadness and anger, times of conflict and of pain. I like to tell others that we, "Love passionately, but we fight passionately too!" But the Lord is faithful, right? He is faithful to take "lumps of dirt, and turn them into vessels of honor." How sweet is that??
The number one lesson I learned during this refining, was: God doesn't expect perfection from us, and neither should we expect perfection from one another. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was married to a sinner! Yes, a sinner saved by grace, but a sinner none the less. I have come to know, by experience, that I need to let Mitch be himself, and I have also come to know that I so often fail at this! My man is just that......a man. I remember getting a hold of a quote from Ruth Bell Graham, the wife of evangelist Billy Graham, and I have never forgotten it;
“It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain”
I believe that the number one cause of the fights in my marriage are caused by one, or both of us, wanting the other person to "change." Now, sometimes there is a need for change, but sometimes we are just being" bugged" by that person, and no change needs to occur. How do we know the difference? I believe that if the action or attitude is sinful, it must change. If the action or attitude is a "personality quirk," well that doesn't necessarily need to change. I think that any wife would be able to list what "bugs" her about her husband, and so could a husband do so about his wife! You see, it goes both ways. There are things about me that just rub Mitch the wrong way, and there are things about him, that rub me the wrong way. Still, I have learned that some arguments are worth fighting for!
I hope what follows will give an explanation to what I mean: I had been trying to get Mitch to change a behavior, and he became very stubborn about not changing it! While we were discussing this (in a loud way), someone from our church heard us. Later on they approached me and told me how they didn't think that Mitch and I should ever argue, after all Mitch was a pastor. I remember feeling angry at them, and then on the heels of that anger, came a desire to defend. I told them that what they were thinking wasn't right, and I told them that they needed to talk to Mitch about it. After the person left, I "felt" guilty, like I had done something wrong, and so I spoke to the Lord about it. He led me to one of the Proverbs:
Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.
I discovered that was what God was using Mitch and I to do in each others' life, to sharpen one another, to smooth off the rough edges, and when that happens, sparks are going to fly! I learned that arguments between people are going to occur, but I also learned that God wants us to fight in godly ways, and for godly characters, and for godly things (more on this later).
The change that God wants to bring about in our lives, is what the apostle Paul calls, "putting off and then putting on.
Ephesians 4:22–24 ".....that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness."
I believe that it is the duty of all believers to help one another in this whole "putting off and putting on." The Lord has told us to build up, and to encourage one another. He has also told us to confront a brother or sister, in love, when they are "caught in a sin." So how does this apply to marriage? I have come to learn that Mitch is my first priority, and secondly, he is my Christian brother. He also is, my nearest neighbor, and my friend. Therefore I am to approach him as such! The only caution is that I am to respect Mitch as my husband, I am to respect the position that God has given him, over me.
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