Safe in His Hands

One of the harder aspects of being a pastor's wife, is that some people find it hard to separate you, from the job. So often, we loose precious friends, because they get upset and angry at something that was said or done at church. I know that this can happen with anyone, but it really hurts when it is a close friend of family member. These are the ones we expect to remain loyal.
When my husband started fulfilling the role of a pastor, our first church was in Colorado. Living in Colorado had been a dream of ours for many years. My husband was born there, and some of his family still lived in the state. Mitch was close to a member of his family, and we had hoped to someday live closer to them. It seemed like answered prayer when we sensed the Lord leading us to start a church in Colorado. We were so excited to be finally heading to the Rocky Mountains, and moving closer to our precious family.
We moved to Colorado in 1996, and began a small Bible study, which later grew into a church. It was during the first two years of our time there, that God taught me another painful, yet valuable lesson. It is sad to me that it had to come in the way that it did, but nevertheless, I am so thankful for what the Lord taught us during this time. My honey was the one who has borne most of the pain, and has "lost" someone very dear to his heart. This post isn't about his story, but mine, and so I will say here, right now, that I have an awesome man of God for a mate.....he never once, ever stopped loving His Lord, or serving Him. My honey learned first hand what it means to "give up" his life, and family for God's purposes.
We moved to Colorado with such high hopes, and dreams. Both Mitch, and I were willing to do what ever needed doing, so that we could serve the Lord, and the people that would be coming to our fellowship, and we were so excited to be able to live in a town that was only an hour away from our close family members.
Our troubles started soon after arriving. We had a couple that started to attend that had some ideas of how they thought church should go, and so they fought us at every turn. As we would go through some of these times, I would share my heart with our a family member, and ask for prayer and guidance. I should have known that something wasn't right, because I would get counsel that wasn't sound, or very encouraging. What I would get was something like, "Mitch isn't a pastor, or people would not be negative about him, and they would be more supportive of the church." We would be subtly asked to do family activities on Sundays, or we would be told that God wants "families to be first, before ministry." It seemed that each time we were together, and we would mention the fellowship, or what the Lord was doing with us, we would be met with silence, or with the subject being changed.
One time I remember being told that I should encourage Mitch to stop being a pastor. Not one time did these close family members ever encourage us to keep going.
Mitch and I kept going though, and we kept trying to "win" them. It seemed that the more we talked to them about what we knew to be the call on our lives, the more they would ignore what was said.
We lived this way for about 2 years, and then it all blew up. Part of the "blow-up" was my fault. I did something that I never should have done, something done in anger, and hurt that can never be taken back. What had happened caused these family members to spin a lie, that affected us for over a year. Please know that I had asked for forgiveness for my actions, and forgiveness was verbally given, but the sin was not forgotten. It was held against us, and it caused these supposed loved ones to, in essence, be done with us.
This was one of the most painful things that I have ever had to go through! I had to watch as my husband's best friend and family member, turn from him, and walk away.
But God was faithful. In the beginning of this trial, the Lord sent me to Psalm 55. In this Psalm, David is pouring out his heart to God about King Saul, and the treachery of his friends. One of the lines of this song says, "........oh if I had wings to fly away like a dove to my rest......" and it totally described how I felt. But, God in His mercy had something else for me to see. Did you know that doves will not fight back when snared? If a net is thrown over them, they will not beat their wings, and try to escape as other birds do. They are very docile birds. This is what the Lord was showing me.......when a person rises up against me, I am to be docile, resting in the Father's hands. Because after all, it is God who was allowing this to happen, and even though I was "loosing" a close friend and loved one, God was not going to "loose" me!! I discovered that when I am in His hands, I truly am at rest.
Having people be against you is very hard. It is harder still, to have people whom you love and trust, turn on you.....because of ministry. During this time, I could not understand how anyone, let alone close Christian friends and family, could "ditch you" because you didn't listen to them.....because you chose instead, to listen to God.
We both learned valuable lessons, lessons that have kept us serving God in ministry, kept us from not giving up.
I learned that God was serious when He said,

“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. Luke 14:26

The word hate here, is a word referring to: Choice of feeling. It carries the meaning of, to love less than. What I learned through this time was that I am to never-ever choose people over God, even those that I truly care for. When the choice came to give up doing ministry or to give up these family members, the choice was clear, but nevertheless, very hard and painful.
I wish that I could say that these relationships are restored, but I can not.
Another lesson that I learned was that I was to speak the truth at all times. In some of these relationships I became lax in this area. When I would be asked a question, or when I had an opportunity to encourage a friend out of sin, I didn't do so. I just assumed that they would go to God, hear from Him, and then change their behavior. Or, if they came to me with a criticism against Mitch, or against how he was doing ministry, I didn't say anything. I told myself that they had a right to their opinion.
Now, I am not talking about "sin sniffing." I am talking about when an opportunity came to share godly counsel, I didn't. I was too afraid that they wouldn't like me, or that they would be mad at me, or that they would leave the church, etc. I decided that I knew best, and that is never a good place to be. I have learned that God gives to us spiritual understanding and help, and He means for us to give it away. So often fear and insecurity keep us from sharing what He has given to us.
Over the course of our 9 years in Colorado, I had the opportunity again, to practice what I had learned, for you see, I had to go through this same scenario another 3 times!! I must say that I didn't handle them all well, but with the Lord, I was able to trust and let go. I know that God is fully capable and willing to restore me to these relationships, and I eagerly await the day when this happens, for the greatest blessing that God gave to me from going through these times, is the ability to forgive! I hold no bitterness or anger, only a desire to see lives changed, a desire for unity again. Not unity at the cost of truth, but true Christian unity that brings........peace.

Daily Bread

It is Christmas time, and I have been reading about the birth of Jesus. I think that my favorite passage to read, is in the Gospel according to Luke. It is here, in this account, that we read of Jesus' mom's prayer of praise called, "Mary's Song." Lately I have been meditating on being a bond-slave of the Lord's. It has been the topic of many conversations lately. And through out this year, the Lord has brought this topic to mind, and has been dealing with me about it. The other day as I was reading in Luke, my attention was caught, as I read these words of Mary's, and of her cousin, Martha:

Luke 1:45–48

⁴⁵ Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.” ⁴⁶ And Mary said: “My soul magnifies the Lord, ⁴⁷ And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. ⁴⁸ For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant; For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed.

I realize that the wording here is different, maidservant as opposed to bond-servant, but the meaning is the same.......Mary chose to give her whole life over to the Father! She chose to bear the Son of God, knowing that her life would drastically change, and that it would never be the same, that she would never be the same. Mary committed all to the Lord.
When I contemplate being a "A Handmaid of the Lord," please know that I do not equate myself with Mary, or with any other person mentioned in the Bible for that matter. The only thing that I share with these men and women of old, is the desire to serve my Lord wholly, and unreservedly.
The Lord has been teaching me what it means to be a "Maidservant" of His. He has been faithful to bring about many changes in my heart and in my life.
I now know what true freedom is. Freedom you say? Yes, freedom, for the Bible teaches us that there is true freedom in giving our lives away.
One of the ways that I have experienced freedom is in my service to the Lord, what we call, ministry. I think that being a pastor's wife, and serving go hand in hand, you cannot separate the two. What I have discovered though, is that God does not require of us, something that we can not give. And can we give without His help? No. You see, where God guides, He provides.
I can remember so many times that I was faced with a choice to "do something" for God, or for others; like teach a Sunday school class,or make a meal for a needy family, or I was asked to babysit a friend's children, or have company over, or clean the church building, and I would just respond with, "yes." Sometimes, I would enjoy the time of service, I would be able to give of my time, and of myself, with gladness....but so often the opposite was true. I would find myself giving in a grudging manner,or giving because I felt like I had to, or giving because I felt guilty, and I would even be angry at times! I did not find a lot of joy in serving, and rightly so!
God was so faithful to me during this time in my life. He knew that this attitude of mine would destroy me if left unchecked; and it would destroy others too.
May I digress a bit here? Through out my walk with God, He seems to deal with me about a certain issue all year long. One year it was about prayer, another was about being careful of my mouth, and this year (2011) has been, (again!) about being a bond-servant. Each morning, during my quiet time, as I read the Word, passages about being a bond-servant keep "appearing." And why do I say, "again?" To explain I must go back to the year, 2002.
I had been a pastor's wife for 6 years, and a Christian for 14 years. I got a hold of a book titled, Having A Mary Heart In A Martha World, and God used it to change my life. Through this book, the Lord made me to see that my attitude in, and about serving, was sinful. God began to show me things from His word about what it means to serve Him joyfully, and unreservedly.
One of the things that He taught me was, service has to come from a pure heart, and with pure motives. Well, how can I, a sinner, do this? The only way to have purity in my heart, was to empty me of me, and to be filled with the Holy Spirit. And the only way to have pure motives, was to involve the Lord in my decision making process. Therefore, I must go to God when faced with an opportunity to serve.
At this time of my life, I was involved in many areas of service at my church, and I came to see that most of them I had not asked the Lord about, I had not asked Him if I should even being doing them!
On the day that this realization came to me, I knew that I needed to do something about it this, and so I did. I took a blank sheet of paper and began to write down all of the things that I did on a daily basis, and not just in the area of church, but my whole life. What I saw blew me away! I was so busy and my days were so filled up, it was no wonder that I felt overwhelmed and joyless!
That very day, I began to pray about each item on my list, even about being a wife!
One of the first things that God spoke to me about was my attitude towards my husband. He showed me that I wasn't putting Mitch in the proper place in my heart, I was not acting like Mitch was my "head." So, the first thing that I needed to change was to be asking Mitch, before I committed to doing anything. I have to say that I still struggle with this one today. As I shared with him about what the Lord was leading me to do, we came up with a "plan." I would not commit to anything without talking to Mitch first. This helped in a two-fold way;
number one, it allowed Mitch to asked me if I had talked to God about it, and number two, it placed Mitch in the proper place in our marriage, as my head. Practicing these two things has literally changed my life in regards to service. One of the things that changed for me was not feeling guilty if I had to say no to someone, or in not doing something, and the other way was that I found joy in my service. And finally, involving God in my decisions has given me the ability to know that if I am in His will, I have what I need to do the task! Without involving the Lord, the works that I might do, are just that-works; and works produce death, but when I involve the Lord in my service to Him, fruit is produce, and that means life! As I wrote the last sentence it seems so clear to me, that of course, I should have involved the Lord in my service to Him, but I didn't, and there in lay the problem........I was not treating the Lord as my Master.
What I have learned is that if I am a bond-slave of Jesus', and I am, then He is the one who gets to plan my day, and He is the one who tells me what to do. And because He knows that I can not serve Him without help, He mercifully gives it!
I have found that without involving God in my day to day decisions, I quit literally am on my own so to speak; for God will not bless my waywardness!
But, I don't always choose to remember, and apply this lesson.
Here recently, the Lord led me to the passage about Christian's being judged for their works. The Lord says that He will try our works in the refining fire, and they will either be burned up, or they will last into eternity. Now I don't know about you, but my life is very busy! I am on the go, all of the time. So, I don't want what I spend my time doing to "burn up." I want what I do to be precious "gold" that will last. I want what I do to mean something! I don't want to be wasting what little time that I have here on the earth, doing something that God does not want me to do. And so, the only way that I can guarantee that my time won't be wasted, is to involve the Lord in.....well, my time! So, as you can see I still struggle with this whole service thing! That is why this year has been the year that God has been reminding me that I am His maidservant, I belong to Him.
I actually pierced my left ear as a way to help me remember that I have willing chosen to be a bond-servant of the Lord's. Each day, as I place an earring in my ear lobe, I re-commit myself to Jesus, and I ask Him to use the day for His kingdom, and for His glory. I look to God's hand for my daily bread.
And so for today, I repeat Mary's words.......
"Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word." ( Luke 1:38)

Iron Sharpens Iron

As I think back on the beginning of my walk with God, and of all of the changes that He has brought about in my life; and in the life of my honey, and in our marriage. I am reminded of a very important fact; and that is that I am, that we still are, a work in progress!
I love being a pastor's wife! It is an honor to serve the Lord in this way. I wish that I could say that I have always felt like this, but it would not be true. Even though I know without a shadow of doubt that God has called me to serve Him in this way, it has not always been easy. There have been many times that I have asked God if I could do something else.....if I could just quit!
In the beginning of my walk with God, our marriage was already on shaky ground. A few months before I gave my life to Jesus, we had been separated for a time, and had only been back together for a bit. We had been trying to work on things, but I know now that it wasn't possible for us to fix our marriage, without the Lord's help.
I remember that the first year of our walk with God was pretty good, we didn't fight as much, and I think that we both were trying to live godly, even though we didn't know all of what that meant. But, the Lord is faithful, He knew what needed to be done, so that we could serve Him in our marriage too. And so, He began the "purifying process," the process of making two "lumps of rock," become two vessels of "pure gold."
The Bible teaches us in:

Malachi 3:3 He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi, And purge them as gold and silver, That they may offer to the Lord An offering in righteousness.

If you are a refiner of precious metals, or if you know someone who is, then you have an understanding of how the refining process works, but when I was a new Christian, and I heard about this whole refining thing, I had no idea what it meant.
A refiner of gold takes a chunk of ore, and places it into a vessel called a crucible. The refiner then takes the crucible with the ore in it, and places it onto heat, a fire of some sort. The ore is slowly melted, until the dross (the unusable parts of the ore) comes to the surface, and then the refiner takes an instrument, a spoon of sorts, and removes the dross. The refiner has to keep his eye on the temperature of the ore, and on the crucible that holds the ore. He continues this process, of heating the ore and removing the dross, until he can see his face reflected back on the surface of the gold.
For my husband and me, our marriage was the crucible, and we were the lumps of ore. God sat as a Refiner and placed us over the heat of trials, and carefully removed the dross, the dross of our old way of living, and of the baggage that we carried into our marriage relationship, and of the sin that so easily trips us up. When He can see Himself reflected in our marriage, the process will be complete. I know that this refining process will take my whole life long to complete. But the Lord did teach us, He taught Me valuable lessons during this time, and I will never forget them, and the Lord will not let me forget them either. One of the ways that I get to serve the Lord is through counseling. I love nothing better than to sit across from another woman, and share the word of God with her. It is through these times that I am reminded of what the Lord has taught me, and it is through these times that I learn even more.
Please know that I do not think that I have "arrived at perfection," or that my marriage is perfect. My man and I still have arguments, we still have times of sadness and anger, times of conflict and of pain. I like to tell others that we, "Love passionately, but we fight passionately too!" But the Lord is faithful, right? He is faithful to take "lumps of dirt, and turn them into vessels of honor." How sweet is that??
The number one lesson I learned during this refining, was: God doesn't expect perfection from us, and neither should we expect perfection from one another. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was married to a sinner! Yes, a sinner saved by grace, but a sinner none the less. I have come to know, by experience, that I need to let Mitch be himself, and I have also come to know that I so often fail at this! My man is just that......a man. I remember getting a hold of a quote from Ruth Bell Graham, the wife of evangelist Billy Graham, and I have never forgotten it;
“It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain”
I believe that the number one cause of the fights in my marriage are caused by one, or both of us, wanting the other person to "change." Now, sometimes there is a need for change, but sometimes we are just being" bugged" by that person, and no change needs to occur. How do we know the difference? I believe that if the action or attitude is sinful, it must change. If the action or attitude is a "personality quirk," well that doesn't necessarily need to change. I think that any wife would be able to list what "bugs" her about her husband, and so could a husband do so about his wife! You see, it goes both ways. There are things about me that just rub Mitch the wrong way, and there are things about him, that rub me the wrong way. Still, I have learned that some arguments are worth fighting for!
I hope what follows will give an explanation to what I mean: I had been trying to get Mitch to change a behavior, and he became very stubborn about not changing it! While we were discussing this (in a loud way), someone from our church heard us. Later on they approached me and told me how they didn't think that Mitch and I should ever argue, after all Mitch was a pastor. I remember feeling angry at them, and then on the heels of that anger, came a desire to defend. I told them that what they were thinking wasn't right, and I told them that they needed to talk to Mitch about it. After the person left, I "felt" guilty, like I had done something wrong, and so I spoke to the Lord about it. He led me to one of the Proverbs:

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

I discovered that was what God was using Mitch and I to do in each others' life, to sharpen one another, to smooth off the rough edges, and when that happens, sparks are going to fly! I learned that arguments between people are going to occur, but I also learned that God wants us to fight in godly ways, and for godly characters, and for godly things (more on this later).
The change that God wants to bring about in our lives, is what the apostle Paul calls, "putting off and then putting on.

Ephesians 4:22–24 ".....that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, ²³ and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, ²⁴ and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness."

I believe that it is the duty of all believers to help one another in this whole "putting off and putting on." The Lord has told us to build up, and to encourage one another. He has also told us to confront a brother or sister, in love, when they are "caught in a sin." So how does this apply to marriage? I have come to learn that Mitch is my first priority, and secondly, he is my Christian brother. He also is, my nearest neighbor, and my friend. Therefore I am to approach him as such! The only caution is that I am to respect Mitch as my husband, I am to respect the position that God has given him, over me.

I Lift My Eyes Up

I want to take the opportunity to explain why I have chosen, The Handmaid of the Lord, for the title of my blog, and why Psalm 123:2 is one of my life's verses.
When the Lord first directed me to Psalm 123, I was in the midst of a very difficult year. By this time, my husband and I had been at our little church for 4 years, working hard to build a fellowship of believers that were well fed and well loved. But you see, that is the problem, I was working hard. Now don't get me wrong, I truly sought to serve the Lord. If asked, I would have told you that I was seeking the Holy Spirit's guidance and strength at every turn. And yet, at the time that the Lord led me to Psalm 123, our church had dwindled down to a handful of people. We still had a core group of people that continued on, but I could "felt" that something was seriously wrong. I remember feeling so responsible for the growth of our church, and so I "worked" harder, and what I found was that I was alone in that "work," God was not in it! I would describe the feelings I had at this time as having the "joy of my salvation" turned into the "drudgery of the flesh"
But, I look back on this time with great fondness and joy, for it was a time of great discovery for me. A time when the Lord caused me to lay down forever the idea that I could do anything apart from Him!
At this time in my Christian walk, if you would have asked me to explain to you the difference between walking in the Spirit, or walking in the flesh, I could have given you the correct answer. But all of us know that there is a great difference between having a "head-knowledge" and having a "heart-knowledge" about something. And that is just what the Lord began to do, give me a "heart-knowledge" about His grace and mercy, and how different that is from walking/living in the flesh. A head-knowledge is just information about something, but a heart-knowledge will cause a change in the person's actions!
As I began to study and seek the Lord's face about Psalm 123, I discovered a simple, yet very profound truth, God means what He says! And all I need do, is follow where He leads......how simple is that? And yet, it was a very difficult thing for me to do.
Please bear with me as I go back into my childhood to explain why it was so difficult for me.
My parents began to go to church when I was about 4 years of age. I believe that they truly accepted the Lord at this time, and began to raise us; my brother, and sisters and I, in the church. But, what I don't remember, because it wasn't there, was a change in how my parents lived their personal lives at home. I believe with my whole heart that they did their very best, but the churches my parents were involved with did not put an emphasis on teaching the entire word of God. The emphasis of these churches was on works, and not on the grace and mercy of God! And so, not much change occurred in their personal lives. The emotional baggage that my parents brought into their marriage, spilled over into their parenting. My father was a man who pretty much let things go until he had had enough, and then his discipline was very severe. On the other hand, my mother was never consistent in her discipline, each day you were never sure what would "set her off" and make her mad. When my father was mad, he became physical in his discipline, a hard spanking or a smack across the mouth, my mother on the other hand used her tongue as a disciplinary tool. I can remember cringing in fear as my mother screamed at me, telling me what a horrible child I was, how if I would behave better our family life would be better. I remember being made to feel like I was responsible for her happiness, or lack there of. I was blamed for so many things that were beyond my control, and that affected me in ways that I never understood, until much later. Nothing seemed to please her, and the harder I tried the more it became quite clear to me that nothing was going to make her happy, and so......I tried harder.
I was 12 at the time my parents began to backslide, and leave going to church behind, and go back to their old ways. My father began to drink again, and his anger at life began to be taken out on my mother. Physical abuse towards my mom became the way of life around our house, and my mother just went further into herself, giving into her emotions, as a way to compensate. My father left our home when I was 14. To say that divorce doesn't change a child is to tell a big fat lie! It changed me.......it changed all of us.
Here is the point, because of being raised in a home where I was taught that, "good little girls get blessed and everyone is happy with her," I started out my Christian walk with this same attitude toward God. I believed that if I was "good" God will love me and bless me, He will be happy with me, but if I am "bad" He will be angry at me, and cause horrible things to happen to me as a way to discipline me and bring about a change.
So, you can see how the changes in the fellowship caused me to think that God was very displeased with me in some way, and that He was using the lack of growth of our church as a way to show me this.
This attitude of mine did not affect only me, it affected my marriage. If Mitch and I were having problems at home, I began to feel like he was wanting me to change, to be different, and just like my mother, I thought that he was telling me all of our problems were my fault! I would fight him about this, or withdraw into myself, "checking" out of life.
I was very hard on myself, and therefore hard on others. I became very critical and judgmental of others' faults and sins. I began to expect certain behaviors from others, I began to expect them to "help me," and to be there for me as I did the work of the ministry. I felt like I was the only one doing anything, and the pressure was great to bear. I looked to "men" to save me and not to the Lord (Psalm 2o).
One day, after a huge fight with Mitch, I went to my room to pray. I remember pouring my heart out to the Lord, the words flowing out of my mouth like the tears from my eyes. It was here, as I surrendered, that God led me to Psalm 123.
As I wrote in the previous posting, we as modern-day people do not have a good grasp on the whole slavery issue, I know I don't. Yes, slavery is a part of our nation's history, but it is not something that is a part of our nation's culture today, our every day life. We as a country, as a people, have been taught to "take charge" of our own lives. We have heard from our youth that we are not to let anyone "walk all over us." We have also heard all of our lives; from parents, school teachers, society, and yes even the church, that we can "be somebody," we only have to "imagine it and work hard" and it will be so.
Is it any wonder that I was having trouble being a follower of Jesus??
After the Lord led me to Psalm 123, I began to do some research on the topic of slavery in the Bible, and may I say that what follows is not a full discourse on the subject, I am only sharing what "spoke" to me.
In Bible times a person became a slave for various reasons, but three of them stood out to me: One being that a person could become a slave through no choice on their part. When a nation would conquer another nation through war, the people of the "loosing" side that were left alive, became slaves of the "winning" side's soldiers, or rulers. Unless a kingdom was wealthy, the only pay that a soldier received was what he pilfered from the conquered people, what we would call the "spoils of war." And yes, during this point in history, people were considered "spoils of war."
The second reason that a person could become a slave was to repay debts. If you owed a person money, and you could not repay it, you could choose to sell yourself to the one you owed the money to, and "work off" your debt to them. When your debt was payed, your were then allowed to go free. Our modern day title for this is an "indentured servant."
The third reason a person became a slave was if they willingly chose to be one. In those times, if you were an "indentured servant," and had paid your debt and were eligible to be set free; and yet, you loved your master, and you wanted to continue to serve him, you could willing choose to continue on as his servant. You would become a bond-slave to him. If you, and the master were in agreement, the master would take an awl and pierce your ear, and then you would wear an earring as a constant reminder that you willingly gave your life to the master. This earring also let others know that you didn't belong to yourself, that you were the "willing property" of your master.
What I found during my study was that a slave, no matter how you became one, was still at the mercy of his master, the master could do with you what he wanted, because you were his possession!
With the guidance of the Holy Spirit I began to see how I was truly God's "slave." You see, I had a debt that I could not pay, and Jesus paid it for me, and when I was saved, I was willingly choosing to be His possession, I belonged to Him. What I needed to settle once and for all, was that I would never be able to repay my debt, and so I would belonged to Him FOREVER, for there could be no "freedom" so to speak. But I found that I was still living/acting like I was "free." I was responding to life like I no longer had a Master over me, nor even that I needed a Master. Now, don't get me wrong, I believed at the time that I was doing what God wanted me to do; I was trying to be obedient to His will for my life. But, I was doing all of this in my own strength, with my own choice of" provisions," and "tools."
As I said earlier, I had no joy! And having no joy is to say that I did not have the fruit of God's Spirit (Galatians 5) operating in my life.
Paul, in Galatians 5, wrote that the "works of the flesh are evident," and so is the "fruit of the Spirit." That is to say that these fruits will be seen by all, but so will the works of the flesh! I began to notice the choice of words here: Works/Fruit. You see a work is something that I have to do, it is something that I have to put effort into doing, providing my own "tools," and "provisions" for the "job." But, a fruit is a natural occurrence! I don't think any of us have gone into an orchard and have ever heard the fruit trees groaning as they produce their fruit. The fruit comes about naturally, because it is a fruit tree! So it is the same with a Christian, the fruit of God's Spirit produces life in us, and this life is lived only in the Spirit, and with the Spirit's guidance and strength. I found that I had been "groaning" to bring about change in my life, my marriage, and in my fellowship. As I keep attached to the Lord (John 15), the promise is that I will produce, "much fruit." It will happen, naturally.
In another passage of the Bible it states that the "works of the flesh bring death, but the fruit of the Spirit is life." This is what the Lord was showing me through Psalm 123 -I had been "working" to please Him, "working" to please my husband, "working" to please my parents, "working" to please my friends, and "working" to please those who attended the fellowship. And I hadn't asked my Master, if this was the "work" that He had planned for me to do!!! So what was being produced, what was evident? Death- death of my marriage, death of my dreams, death of the ministry, death of joy and peace......death everywhere.
As I began to take to heart, and to literally, every day from that day forward, LIVE like I was a slave, fruit began to be seen. I took to heart the concept that a slave did not do anything on their own, for they did not belong to themselves. I lived each day reminding myself that a slave didn't own anything; everything that they had was given to them, and belonged to their master! I had to remember that a slave had to look to their master for provisions, and for the tools necessary to do the assigned task. I had to never forget that even if a slave was beloved of a master, it still would be unheard of for that slave to dictate how they lived each day. I began to live, with the Holy Spirit's help, as a slave, looking to my Master for the day's provisions, and orders for work. I saw that no matter what I had planned for my day, God had the right to change it. I saw that no matter my wants and dreams for the future, for my marriage, and for my family, God had the right to do what He wanted. I saw that God was to be my provider, He was to give me what was necessary to do the "work of the ministry.' I saw that it was up to God how "ministry" should go, after all I was His slave!
I also saw that I have a merciful and gracious Master. His love for me knows no bounds, and His care of me is precious. I am a happy slave, a slave content in what the Master has provided, and I am so blessed. I have experienced what it means to "give my life so that I may find it."
And so, daily, and at times, moment-by-moment, I look to the Lord for my instructions.
I remember a time, not long after I began to apply these truths to my life, that a friend approached me, and asked me what had changed in my life! She said, "I can't tell what is so different about you, your hair style is the same, your make-up hasn't changed, but there is something different about you, your face looks so peaceful!" Isn't that so awesome??!! What she was seeing was the "earring," the "fruit," the change from being just a slave to being a willing bond-servant of a merciful and loving Master.
As I live my life as a bond-slave of Jesus, I am constantly reminded by the Spirit of God, that I do not belong to myself, or to anyone else for that matter. The reminder from the Lord comes each morning, as I spend time in prayer and in reading and studying the Bible. It is in these quiet times that I receive that day's "marching orders." It is here that I find the "provisions," and the "tools," and the strength that I need to serve my Master with a joyful heart. It is here, at the feet of Jesus, that my eyes look to the Lord my God, until He has mercy on me.

The Beginning

This blog is a way for me to tell the story of my day to day journey as a pastor's wife. Writing has never been my strong suit, I have a tendency to write just like I speak, in short bursts and with not much fore thought! As you can imagine, this causes some confusion and misunderstandings. But, I must obey and do this, for it is what I believe God wants me to do. I don't believe that the story of my journey as a pastor's wife is all that special, or even different from others', I just know that it is time to obey and write it down.
This posting will cover the beginning of my life as a Handmaid of the LORD.
Our society is far removed from the practice of slavery and of servant hood. Maybe some of us can afford to have a domestic servant in our home, maybe some of us are blessed with financial provisions enough to have a housekeeper or even a cook, or maid. But for most of us, this is not the case. When we hear the word, slave or servant, it may bring to mind the tales we have heard of the slaves in our own country, or it may bring to mind the things we know of the practice of slavery in Bible times. For me the word slave brings to mind a portion of scripture that has become one of my favorites, and it has become one of those verses that I call, "A Life Verse." For me a "Life Verse" just means that it is a portion of scripture that floods through my mind and heart on a regular basis. It is a verse that I try to live by, and in this blog I would like to share with you how I have made it "mine."
Psalm 123:2 "Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their masters, As the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress, So our eyes look to the LORD our God, Until He has mercy on us."
I began my journey as a pastor's wife a bit different than most, God told me that my man was going to be a pastor 10 years before he became one, and before He even told Mitch! I can still see myself standing in front of my bathroom mirror getting ready for church. I was a brand new Christian, only 10 months at this point, with a husband who had just accepted the Lord a few weeks before, and here I was complaining to God that this whole Christian Family thing was not what I had signed up for! I had my idea, a dream I guess, of what it should be like to be married to a Christian man and to live a Christian family life. I felt that a Christian family should get up on Sunday mornings and share a meal together with scripture reading, and then as a family, we would all get in the car and drive to church together, and then come home for "Family Day." And a family meant having the man there! It wasn't long after we were saved, that I began to realize that some of my ideas and some of my dreams for my husband and family were not the same as the Lord's. Don't get me wrong, a lot of them were......God wanted us to love and serve Him with our whole hearts, and I totally agreed with that! God wanted our marriage to reflect Him to the world around us, and He wanted us to enjoy marriage and family life. God wanted us to raise children that would love and serve Him for all of their days. All of these things and more I was in total agreement with. I just wasn't expecting God to do what He did! And now, 27 years later, here we are living the life that the Lord had planned for us from the foundation of the world.
Ok, back to my story. As I stood before my mirror, putting on my make-up, I was complaining to God that once again I was alone (Mitch's job at this time in our life took him away from home a lot), and on a Sunday no less, because Mitch was down at the church helping to make sure all went well for the morning service. As I look back I smile at myself that I was feeling this way, because Mitch had only been saved for about two weeks at this point! He had received the Lord on a Friday night and was down at the church the following Sunday morning, serving the Lord! This shows what manner of man I had married.......a servant to His Lord.
As I stood there whining to God, I heard Him ask me, "How are you going to handle life when Mitch becomes a pastor?" Needless to say, I was stunned! I am sure that you have had those times where you know that God is doing something miraculous and that you, at that moment in time, have a choice to make, a "forever-my-life-will-be-changed" choice to make. I literally stopped what I was doing and bowed my head and prayed. I asked the Lord to help me. I asked that He would forgive my whining and to change my heart and give me the strength to say, "Yes." I asked the Lord to make me into the wife that Mitch was going to need in the future. So, in a "nutshell" this is the story of the start of my journey as a pastor's wife.
I wish that I could say that all went well from that point on, it didn't, but it was and still is GOOD! Mitch and I had been married for 3 years at this point, and our marriage had not started off in a godly way. You see, we were not Christians when we married. At the time that I was saved, we had a very rocky and ungodly marriage, and so the Lord had a lot of work to do with us before we were ready to serve Him as a pastor and his wife. The changes that the Lord brought about in our lives are the things that I hope to share with you in this blog. My goal is to bring glory to the One who saved me, and to serve Him with an obedient heart.
And there you have it, the beginning of my journey. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, please visit with me again, for my desire is that I could encourage you in your journey as a Handmaid of the LORD.